The pride of Napoleons chesterfield under the baobab. Some look at the sky belly-up in gratefulness to nature. Some crouch on their warm, filled bellies, swishing their tails to the music of the wind and the shine of the sun.
Like transitory ghosts, three monkeys, from nowhere, suddenly descended on the pride; giving a knock on the head then, a poke on the face there — in an unprepared choreographic raid that could ’ve ended in instant death.
Jaws drop, breaths break; before the eyelids could club, the monkeys faded grandly over into the safety of the tree, laughing madly. All at formerly, the Napoleons had sprung to their bases, ready to defend their den to the death, cursing when they realised it was the mocking monkeys again. One day monkey go go request, e no go return, the Napoleons regretted.
Now, the snarling Napoleons watched hardly as the monkeys jumped from one tree branch to the other, hanging dangerously from the tip of the dry branches. Suddenly, a branch snapped and a big monkey was in freefall. He seized another branch, but that also snapped, and death was staying on the ground.
As important teeth dug into the jugular of the monkey, a fugitive bobby called Abba Kyarry pulls awake from sleep, holding his neck, crying, “ Lions! FBI Napoleons! Mai Gaskiya, save me! Mai Gaskiya, kare ni daga hakorin zakin FBI!” He held his neck with both hands, shook it to be sure it was still on his head, feeling with his fritters to see if it was trickling blood. He was trickling sweat.
Kyarry’s woman, Hadjia, dashes into his room, switches on the light, and sees the wreck her hubby had come. He looks like he just got out of the River Niger. She perceives a strange smell, like concentrated ammonia acid; Kyarry has urinated in bed.
Hadjia ( Breaks down crying) I allowed Bala the Marabout said you wo n’t have agonies again?
Kyarry Yes, that was what he said. And he got millions of naira from me.
Hadjia As Marabout Bala directed, did you pluck some of your eyelids and put them on your head to make the FBI forget your case?
.Kyarry I’ve pulled all my eyelids out. None is remaining there. Look, see. (He leans forward in bed to show his woman his face) I just had a bad dream in which I fell from a tree, and Napoleons wearing FBI uniforms sank their teeth into my neck, that was why I cried from my sleep.
Hadjia I suppose you should call Marabout Bala. Perhaps he’d give you a potion to ward off the ceaseless FBI agony. Where ’re your phones?
Kyarry (Pointing to his wardrobe) They ’re there in the pockets of my livery.
Hadjia (Brings out his phones together with some bales of bones) Ha, mai gida?! Bones again?
.Kyarry I ’m sorry, Hadjia, I ca n’t repel the smell of bones. It has come an preoccupation, but I defied the naira fix I was given moment, I did n’t collect it.
(Hadjia dials Marabout Bala and gives the phone to Kyarry)
Marabout Incoming Inspector General! How ’re you?
Kyarry I ’m not fineo. Lions ate me up.
Marabout Lions? Did you go to Yankari Games Reserve ne? I hope they did n’t eat your hands?
Kyarry No, why did you ask if they ate my hands, marabout?
.Marabout How will you be entering physical immolations if they ate your hands? You know, the hands and pockets are the bobby’s topmost means.
Kyarry What can I do for the FBI to forget me and to shield off my agonies, Marabout Bala?
Marabout I told you to pull out one or two of your eyelids and put them on your head everyday.
Kyarry I ’ve pulled out all my eyelids. I’ve none again. What do I do now, my blood pressure is reaching up to heaven? I ’m tired of all this trauma, I ’m ready to expose all the ogas I give returns to. I wo n’t go down alone, I swear!
Marabout Stop swearing, you need to call Mai Gaskiya in Azoo-Roc. Tell him that I said your days are numbered because the FBI are closing in. Tell him I said he should allow you to come and live inside Azoo-Roc, else, the Lions of FBI’ll eat you up soon.
Kyarry (Clutches his phone and touches his neck gingerly) Do n’t let them eat my neck, Marabout Bala. I ’ll call Mai Gaskiya now now! Please, hold on. (He reaches for another customised phone and dials. A familiar voice comes through saying Mai Gaskiya was just finishing a coliseum of tuwo shinkafa and miyan kuka, prompting Kyarry to hold on.
Mai Gaskiya ( Picking his teeth) My cherished son, how ’re you? I hope you ’ve not gone on social media again? Do n’t go there again, you hear? Problems won’t finish for Nigeria, Nigerians ’ll cry and soon forget about your case. Also, do n’t do cut and suture for people again.
Kyarry Yes, joe! Mai Gaskiya, I ’m in trouble, joe! Everyday, my heart is troubling me, joe. I see scary effects, joe. Moment, FBI Napoleons were about to eat me in my sleep …
Mai Gaskiya But, are you not a supercop again? Was it not in clubs that you used to meet Hushpuppi and all those felonious celebrities? Do n’t you hear to music in clubs?